When Breath Becomes Air

I was in bed yesterday when a scary idea crossed my mind. I was scared, it was sudden, I felt my heart drop, I felt warm, I crumbled in my bed trying to soothe myself, I tossed right, then left, then right again. I felt like I was in the middle of a battleground, everyone is raising their sword toward one another, but no one directly attacking me. I had flashbacks of previous problems and imagined ones in the future, and by that, I lost control of the present.

In a panic, I reevaluated many life decisions in a moment. Now standing on a swinging bridge, choices that seemed logical and gave the illusion of stability seemed like they were a facade. These choices forming the wires that hold the bridge of my life moving forward were snapping...and I am halfway across.

This reminded me of a Passage by Paul. Paul was a chief resident in neurological surgery at Stanford University and an excellent writer. Paul learned that he has lung cancer in a terminal stage... he was in his 30s:

“The way forward would seem obvious, if only I knew how many months or years I had left. Tell me three months, I’d spend time with family. Tell me one year, I’d write a book. Give me ten years, I’d get back to treating diseases. The truth that you live one day at a time didn’t help: What was I supposed to do with that day?”

Paul was looking for an answer to a question that most of us ask, but perhaps, we don't demand as urgent of an answer.

“Grand illnesses are supposed to be life-clarifying. Instead, I knew I was going to die—but I’d known that before. My state of knowledge was the same, but my ability to make lunch plans had been shot to hell.”

While I am nowhere close to what Paul is experiencing, I was also looking for answers in a moment of weakness. At that moment of weakness, however, all I wanted was to be away from the bed that is hosting me, and in the arms of family and loved ones.

Paul went on to write a book...which he never finished, and while he wasn't around to see his book being published with the help of his wife, his excellent book was a #1 New York Times bestseller and a nominee for the Pulitzer reward. A touching and gripping read of a man attempting to answer questions that we all have but don't dare to ask. The book was titled: When Breath Becomes Air.

Each decision we make was the right decision given our knowledge and state of mind at the time. Knowing this silences the screams of regret. But there are things we can do to make better future decisions: Increasing our knowledge and having better control of our state of mind and emotions.

Have a meaningful week ✨,
Laith